Don't Laugh at my Astro Turf Diane (Demo)

from Staring into the Eyes of Johnny Mathis in a Sue Ryder by Oliver James Lomax

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A poem based on a women from Wythenshawe who dreamt of having a lawn of artificial grass but couldn't afford it so her son liberated a local astro turf pitch and rolled that out for her instead.


Don’t Laugh At My Astro Turf Diane

Don’t laugh at my Astro Turf Diane
At least I’ve not forgotten who I am
It’s not so long back your kids used to call me Mam
So don’t you dare, fucking laugh, at my Astro Turf Diane
The lads have rolled that out better than Universal Credit
Is your new patio paved with the books of Norman Tebbit?
On your bike, you’re talking tripe, the meek will never inherit
I’m still waiting at the alms window for my direct debit
And so what, if my new back lawn has a six yard box and a penalty spot
It’s my field of dreams; I’m just doing the best with what I’ve got
I didn’t want any charity garden D.I.Y S.O.S from a crooning Nick Knowles
My little pitch was once graced by an infant Paul Scholes
I’ve some pride left, leave me with that
My hearts on the breadline, but that’s intact
Go on, you can get out
I liked you better when you had nowt
You might be laughing all the way to the food bank, next season of giving
My Astro Turf is just like you love; it’s a substitute for living.


from Staring into the Eyes of Johnny Mathis in a Sue Ryder, released January 29, 2019
Written and performed by Oliver James Lomax
Recorded and engineered by Guy Curtis Conner


all rights reserved



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